#026 The Silence Between Us: Choosing Peace Over Expectation

There’s a saying in Swahili, tenda wema, nenda zako — do good and walk away. It’s a principle I’ve tried to live by for as long as I can remember. I’ve always made it a point to support those around me—friends, family, partners—without expecting anything in return. I believed that was enough.

But lately, I’ve found myself wrestling with the quiet sting of unreciprocated support. Therapy helped me uncover something I hadn’t fully acknowledged: I’ve spent much of my life taking care of others. Not because I had to, but because it felt right. Yet, I’ve also begun to recognize the importance of taking care of myself. And the fact that a lack of reciprocity affects me? That’s not weakness, it’s awareness. It simply means I must decide how to respond when the imbalance shows up.

In today’s post, I want to reflect on that silence; the quiet spaces in relationships where gestures go unnoticed, kindness isn’t returned, and support feels one-sided. Not to place blame, but to explore how we can respond with peace instead of resentment.

Quiet Absences, Loud Realizations

Being deeply rooted in the creative space means most of my friends are creatives too—designers, artists, entrepreneurs—many of whom use social media as their primary stage to share, promote, and celebrate their work. For years, it’s been muscle memory for me to support them: reposting their launches, sharing their work, hyping their wins. Not because they asked me to, but because I genuinely want us all to win. I’m an Africapitalist, after all—I believe in building together, creating value, and building generational wealth through collaboration.

But therapy has made me pause and reflect on a deeper pattern. I’ve always taken care of people—friends, partners, family—not out of obligation, but because that’s who I am. Still, in learning to take better care of myself, I began to notice the imbalance. I looked around and realized that, for most of the people I’ve supported in various ways, that same energy didn’t often flow back toward my own ventures. It wasn’t a loud betrayal. It was more like a quiet absence.

At first, it felt petty to even name it. So I sat with it. Reflected. Was I being unreasonably expectant? Was this just ego?

What I found, through deep introspection and leaning on both Stoic philosophy and therapy, was a more honest truth: it wasn’t the lack of support that stung the most. It was the quiet recognition that, while I never acted out of expectation, I would have appreciated some reciprocity. Not for validation, but as a gesture of shared respect and support.

There’s a quiet ache in showing up for others and not being met with the same energy. But that ache, I’ve learned, is also a mirror—an invitation to grow, to refine my why, and to choose peace and love over resentment.

Integrity Is a One-Person Job

There’s a quiet strength in doing the right thing when no one is watching. A kind of internal clarity that doesn’t seek approval or echo. But that clarity can be tested when your gestures meet silence—when the energy you give doesn’t quite circle back.

Many of us—especially those who value community and collaboration—naturally show up for others. We repost their work, celebrate their wins, offer support without being asked. It feels good to lift others up. And maybe, without even realizing it, we start to believe that goodness will be mirrored back to us.

But what happens when it isn’t?

The Stoics remind us: what others do is not ours to control. Their silence isn’t our burden to carry. What is ours is how we choose to live. If your act of support was born out of your values—out of generosity, love, belief in shared growth—then it remains meaningful, regardless of what comes after.

That perspective, I’ve found, is freeing.

It allows you to keep showing up with grace, without becoming bitter. It invites you to check your motives—are you doing good because it aligns with who you are, or because you want it returned? There’s nothing wrong with wishing for reciprocity, but peace comes from not depending on it.

In a world that often ties worth to visibility and validation, integrity can feel like a lonely path. But it’s also the most grounding one. You don’t need applause. You just need honesty—with yourself.

So, I am inviting you to reflect:

• What values do you want to live by, even if no one notices?

• What would your life look like if your actions were rooted in principle, not in response?

Speak soon,

-Rey

Sophia • Andreia • Dikaiosyne • Sophrosyne

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